JANUARY 2003: The evening ends, everybody has gone to sleep except Margot and me. We talk a lot. Then we caress each others's hand for a good part of the night. Nothing more.
MARCH 2003: Watching my first play being performed.
MARCH 2003: My husband and I stand at the counter of the Czech embassy in Berne. I am reapplying for citizenship. My children will also become Czechs, we now have dual nationality. I cry.
MARCH 2003: I watch the beginning of the Iraq war on television. I have the feeling that I am the victim of a gang rape.
MARCH 2003: The doctor stands across from me and informs me that I have a serious hereditary disease which can cause cerebral haemorrhages. I also discover that I have passed this disease on to both of my children. My life will be quite different from now on. Suddenly I cannot breathe properly.
MAY 2003: In the last performance of 'Penthesilea', where I play the Amazon Queen, I get my lines wrong in the middle of the intense final scene. Crying with disappointment, I walk off stage leaving the dead Achilles behind me lying in artificial blood.
MAY 2003: During an evening performance at the Neumarkt Theater I sit in the dramaturges' office, watch a webcam from St. Petersburg and talk to Sasha on the phone. She tells me she will go to the Black Sea in the summer.
JUNE 2003: In the middle of my mother's birthday party I have to find out what I already suspected. Now I have lost a good friend and have to decide whether I want to keep the man.
JULY 2003: Our daughter is born, we marry in secret and move in together.
AUGUST 2003: Dutch poker. I lose a backrub to Martina.
AUGUST 2003: I have severe pains and take two of the pills the doctor gave me for emergencies. I realise something is wrong – and then I pass out.
SEPTEMBER 2003: Marianna, the cool and tough girl from my new school calls me in the evening: «Do you wanna have dinner with me?» I'm flattered and sit with her while she's eating her fish burger in McDonalds.
OCTOBER 2003: I discover that my grandparents claimed that their under-age daughter's child was their own. My uncle is actually my cousin. He himself found out inadvertently as an adult. Now it finally becomes clear to me why he broke off contact with our family.
NOVEMBER 2003: I accompany my girlfriend through a long illness leading to her death. I am glad and proud of being able to and being allowed to be at her side – and I feel great grief at her loss.