JANUARY 2009: I leave my family and friends to spend time researching in the USA for my doctorate. Although I have to put my relationship at risk and interrupt my psychoanalysis it turns out to be the most wonderful time of my life.
JANUARY 2009: He has fallen in love with someone else and I'm supposed to stay. Once again nothing is as it seems. What do I want? To go or to stay? I decide to do both.
FEBRUARY 2009: He is amusing, charming, makes me laugh, makes me happy and is a fantastic lover. With him I feel protected, respected, loved.
MARCH 2009: I get my first job as a dancer in a dance theatre production in Berlin and move back to Europe.
MARCH 2009: I tell Bea about Andrea.
APRIL 2009: My love story with Beatrice begins. I am happy.
APRIL 2009: I stop my collaboration with tg Monk.
JULY 2009: I am boarding a plane to move to Beijing for the next two years for my studies.
JULY 2009: Birth of our second daughter Olin Suze.
JULY 2009: Susanna and I sit next to the Victoria Peak path and stare at the sea of lights and the ships moving in and out of the harbour. We smoke cigarettes and drink beer, and finally I feel like I’ve arrived.
AUGUST 2009: I get married. The day of the wedding I am extremely nervous. People are arriving, caterers, hair dressers, guests. I am stressed out incredibly by all the commotion. When standing at the aisle waiting for Czarina I am still scared. I wonder whether I am doing the right thing. Then she comes out. As she smiles at me, all my fears slip away in an instance.
AUGUST 2009: Standing on Circular Quay in Sydney and knowing that I would live in that city one day.
SEPTEMBER 2009: My husband moves out.
OCTOBER 2009: We are both lying naked in bed. He hugs me tight and is half-asleep, I am wide awake and reading 'Memoirs of a Dutiful Daughter' by Simone de Beauvoir. It's quiet in the flat, I enjoy the moment and laugh.
OCTOBER 2009: After resigning from my job as the manager of a community therapy practice, I'm sitting in a lecture hall again for the first time in ages with a thermos full of coffee and feel free.
OCTOBER 2009: I eat vermicelli dessert with Martina. Four hours later we are holding our new-born son in our arms.
NOVEMBER 2009: After five days in Beijing with almost no sleep and wildly beautiful flights of thought I can see quite clearly: I want to concentrate completely on my own work from now on and not hide any longer.
NOVEMBER 2009: I join a youth theatre and accept the challenge of creating new roles from within me. It doesn't always work but it gives me a lot of confidence.
NOVEMBER 2009: I travel to India to meet my future parents-in-law. I am incredibly nervous. I hope they like me.
NOVEMBER 2009: Birth of my child.
NOVEMBER 2009: The last scheduled operation. I have almost got used to them.
DECEMBER 2009: Bea tells me about Tom.
DECEMBER 2009: My inner restlessness takes me a long way away again. No idea what awaits me, no idea for how long. I don't know what I'm looking for.